To my first born

Truly how has it been over 15 years since you were so tiny new and fresh?

I was 22 years old when I welcomed you to this world, at that moment in time I thought I was grown up. I was a little unsure of what motherhood would be but I was not afraid. I should have been terrified but I was too proud and naive. On some level I thought that I had things figured out, I was so mistaken. I really had no idea what I was doing.

I believed in a God without a doubt but I had not yet transformed my heart and life for Christ. I was living my life in sin and rebellion.

Oh my sweet boy, if I only knew then what I know now…but nothing can change the past.

I have to stop myself as I reflect on the many things I could have done differently in your lifetime. Satan starts working in my mind to beat myself up with the ‘what if’s’ and tearing myself down for all the things I did wrong or could have done better. More so I tend to feel guilty for what I could have done differently.

I can reflect back and easily recognize the mistakes I made along the way. I can clearly see how I could have been ‘a better mom’.

Rather than focusing on the negative I have been making efforts to have grace and forgiving myself. Transforming my regrets and overpowering guilt for the errors in my early mothering years to being thankful.

I am thankful God chose me to be your mother, even when I was not ready or prepared.

I am thankful that despite the mistakes and poor choices of my past that you and I are healthy and safe.

I am thankful I am not where I once was and continue to grow in my faith and love for Christ.

I am thankful for answered and unanswered prayers.

I am thankful for making mistakes, I am not perfect and I am a sinner, my mistakes resulted in my need for a Savior and my surrender to Christ.

I am thankful for learning and growing in wisdom from my mistakes.

I am thankful that when I was not obedient and honoring to God in my choices and life He was still faithful and merciful to me in my life.

I am thankful for trials and storms along the way making me truly appreciate the triumphs and sunny days.

I am thankful for your unconditional love and grace, thankful for your forgiveness.

I am thankful for the way you inspire me to be a better mother and person.

I am thankful for sleepless nights, sticky hands, loud and hectic home full of little people.

I am thankful for the moments I am able to stop and see the world through your eyes.

I am thankful for toddler tantrums and teenage attitudes.

I am thankful for the opportunities to use my mistakes and life experience to teach and disciple you.

I am thankful for parenting books and the support of my mommy friends to talk, laugh and cry with.

I am thankful for the young man you are growing into despite my many mistakes and ‘could have done betters’.

I am thankful for my amazing husband and his godly influence in your life.

I am thankful for God’s plans in my life being more wonderful than any plans I could have dreamed of.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139:13‬ ‭

You my beloved son have had an instrumental and significant role in my journey to be the woman and mother I am today. You my son made me a mother. The greatest and most awesome blessing and responsibility of my life is being a mother.

My first born you have a piece of my heart that no one else ever will. ❤

“Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭9:15‬

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